I am leaving early tomorrow morning. Probably even before the sun comes up. I have been fasting for three straight days. This journey, this spirit quest, has been more challenging than I ever expected, and yet, more self-revealing than I ever expected! And, truthfully, it wasn't difficult for the reasons I expected. No, it was for reasons I didn't even see coming... It wasn't the fasting or checking out of emails and social media and text. I didn't feel hungry at any point. Each day I drink over a gallon of water and had a lot of time to focus on my relationship with food and nourishment. I turned all notifications off for my phone except messages and phone in case of emergency at home, and even then the phone was on silent. I would glance at occasionally but only check it if I had a notification for call or text. Most everyone I regularly communicate with knew that I was here doing this and was really respectful to not reach out. No, the hardest parts were facing myself. Being present with myself. Being in the silence with myself. When the distractions ran out, I had to face my biggest FeArs and anxieties- being alone with my thoughts, acknowledging my deep loneliness, wanting to reach out and share and connect with others. The truth is, I have been denying myself so much for so long. I have been denying myself love- neglecting to love myself and to love others. I have been so afraid of rejection, abandonment, vulnerability, trusting others, that I have built very high walls for protection all around me and now all I'm left with is loneliness. I have to end this.
My goal is welcoming Love, joy, beauty, connection, community, vulnerability, trust, and new experiences into my life again. I have to!
I wanted to quit, leave, throw in the towel, so many times over the last 3 days, searching for reasons to just go home, Avoid myself and avoid my loneliness and avoid my lessons. It wouldn't have helped. I would have gotten there and I would have been surrounded by others and my routine, but I wouldn't have faced my wounds, and nothing would have changed. Thursday night and half a Friday I found every distraction- music, activities, busying myself with nonsense. When the distractions ran out, I panicked. And then, I found peace in the fire and the stars. I found the truth, I found my divine nature. And I found the way! Today, even now as I sit here writing this, it is silent. No music, no distractions, just silent contentment. And I think I might like it this way.
