Today has been a very peaceful, very intentional, and very aligned day. I spent the early afternoon in a silent, peaceful state collecting and preparing wood for my fire ceremony this evening, then I had a beautiful shamanic healing session with Julie, the owner of the cabin. I performed a decoupling and an illumination on her, both of which went very well. After that was complete, I created another Ayni Despacho for tonight's ceremony.
This time, I flowed with it and slowed way down. I was more intentional with my prayers and the offerings in building the Despacho. The sun bathed the Despacho in light and love, and this time, it just felt right. I built my fire, and called in the four directions, Pachamama, Father Sky, and the archetypes. I tended it gently, and played my drum until it became friendly, at which point I fed it with olive oil. I placed the entire despacho into the fire. The entire time it burned, I played my drum and chanted- Nitchi Ti Ti, N U Ai, Ora Nika, Ora Nika, Hey hey, Hey hey, O U Ai. I chanted and played and chanted and played until I was almost in a trance. I lost time completely, and yet, I was so aware of everything. Once the fire was done with the despacho, I made offerings of my spirit water into the fire from all four directions, and released the four directions, archetypes, lineage, and guides. I tended the fire until there was only hot embers left. It was a beautiful day, beautiful ceremony, and I am ready for the new moon tomorrow!
It is a slow and intentional morning. I'm feeling very introspective, and reflective. I woke up slow, got ready slow, moving through the day Very slow. I'm even moving slow as I write this journal entry. I sat next to the heater naked in front of the big picture windows. Just watching the mountains, watching the sun slowly rise into the sky, slowly sipping a cup of black tea. I cleaned myself one limb at a time with wipes, using the dry brush, being very intentional with caring for my one body in this lifetime, giving Thanks for it. Every movement and action requires attention, effort, intention, gratitude, and more when you are fasting in a 10x10 ft. Off-grid cabin in 15° weather!
But it has and continues to reinvigorate within me, the desire and intention I have had for so long to live more simply and intentionally as I move through this life- slow down more, be closer to nature, connect with like-minded individuals, do the healing work, honor God in everything, use less, waste less, walk gently upon this earth, In all ways.
It's incredible how little one actually needs to feel whole in this life. I can't wait to manifest my dreams of an off-grade lifestyle. It shows me it will be work but it is possible and it is so worth it!
Yesterday showed me that I am healing some deep wounds but that the work is far from over. I have so much more to do. My biggest wounds and traumas include my childhood- and probably some generational and karmic- abandonment wounds... Decided by the fates and my soul in the 5d but compounded by my birthparents, parents, and every romantic relationship I have ever had. Woven deep into that tapestry are issues of self-worth and being deserving of love, and being able to trust and be vulnerable with another human being. And yet, my soul yearns so deeply for connection, for love, for vulnerability. I want to open my heart to the infinite possibilities of love! Yesterday, I learned that even though I am okay to be alone, the great difference is that I have created walls all around me that have made me so deeply lonely, and that loneliness is actually keeping me from connecting, keeping me from the deep healing work that I am here to do. I must continue to reach out to family, close friends, classmates, and continue to create deep, intentional, vulnerable relationships with them. I must continue to break down walls and open my heart before it is too late.
That is my prayer- great spirit, allow me to be open! Open to love, open to healing, open to vulnerability, open to deep and rich connection. May I never allow fear to keep me from dwelling in these great and important spaces.
I have to admit, this afternoon and evening was a bit of a trainwreck... I was a bit of a trainwreck. Once I ran out of things to busy myself with- journalING, music, classwork- and it was just me alone with my own thoughts and nothing to stuff them down with (food, booze, drugs, etc!), the anxiety and panic set in fast!
Scared of being cold, scared of being hungry, scared to be alone, suddenly stuck, claustrophobic, and 5 hours from home! What if something happened at home? What if something happened to me? I paced the whole cabin. Upstairs, downstairs, outside, inside. I even had to force myself to lay down, to breathe, to practice mindfulness and being present. I had to just lay there coaching myself- breathe. Chelsea, breathe! You can do hard things! Everything's okay! Everyone is okay! Just push through this! This is temporary! Even my mom in my head- this too shall pass! I was about to throw in the towel, tuck my tail, pack my shit, and go crawling home. Then, I heard one of the care takers of the property outside chopping wood for my fire. Panic accelerated! I checked my phone for the first time that day, his wife was checking in- should they start a fire or just prepare it for me? Wow! They didn't have to do any of that! I don’t expect them to do that, nor do I want them to do that! And now, I feel bad. And obligated. And guilty. So, still panic-stricken, still barely breathing, I throw on all the layers I have- it's 15° out there and the sun is setting! Five layers on top, two on bottom, two pairs of socks, three hoods... I race out to help, grabbing my Despacho and dropping it on the floor, probably completely messing it up and releasing all of my wishes to the wind. Ugh. WTF Chelsea?!?
But it gets worse. I try and I try and I try to get the fire started, but everything is wet and frozen. At one point, fearing I won't have another opportunity to do so, I just haphazardly throw the Despacho on top of the burning pile of newspaper. No ceremony, no prayers, no drum, no songs. Just threw it on the fire. It burned, but nothing about the process was graceful or sacred. Only then, does the fire pick up. And the thing was, next to that fire in the freezing fucking cold was truthfully the only place that I had felt safe for the entirety of the afternoon. When I finally calmed down, in the darkness of the night and the flicker of the flames, I looked up to find a sky filled with stars brighter than I had ever seen, and Orion watching safely over me. Sigh. I have enough goodies left. I think I'll retry for another despacho and fire ceremony tomorrow... I'm frustrated with all of this, but I can only offer myself kindness and forgiveness. So I didn't get it right tonight. Oh well! That's life.
I found peace in the quiet moments around that fire. It was like, after the chaos of forgetting myself and fearing my own company, I remembered myself again in the glow of the red orange embers and the sparkle of the stars. My biggest fear wasn't being completely, utterly, totally alone. I don't much mind being alone, but I realized that when I am, I do whatever I can to distract myself from being alone. But when the distractions ran out, i had to face the fear, the abandonment, and the loneliness. And I realize, abandonment, lack of trusting others, fear of being hurt, it has all made me terribly lonely. And that is a terrible way to Live your life.
I want to love others unconditionally!
I want to trust freely!
I want to be vulnerable!
I want to connect with others again!
I want to be free from my loneliness.
And only I can make any of that happen or not happen...
Until tomorrow!
A couple of weeks ago, I had the most vivid and intense dream. I still cannot make sense of it, and it continues to haunt me. In some ways, the interpretation that comes to me, and what it means for my work and my life feels almost too much to barE. Am I somehow avoiding or denying a message that I very much need to hear? The dream went something like this....
I dreamed that I had brought in dozens of snakes and was trying to create habitats for them in my basement. I had apparently done this before because there was already many habitats and terrariums down there, many of which were dirty, overgrown, dilapidated- in fact, it was almost as if the entire basement was just one big overgrown jungle. Some old snakes were dead, some were thriving, some were feeding on others. As I was struggling to clean and get organized, many of the snakes- new and old- were wrapping themselves around me, latching on and attaching themselves to me. One bright pink snake wrapped itself around my hand and bit me right between my thumb and forefinger, and just stayed there. There was no pain. They were all of different shapes and sizes. The longer the snakes were attached to me, the more human-like they became, growing limbs, their faces morphing into human-like faces. This was the only part of the dream that really terrified me. Then, out of nowhere, they would suddenly deteriorate, fall off, and disintegrate immediately into bones and ashes. It was such a relief for me when this would happen, but also, I sense a deep sadness about it too!
We are doing so much healing work in this course- there's so much I could reflect on through this dream. I no longer see the serpent or snake as a threat, and yet I'm sure there's still a huge part of my psyche and the collective consciousness that sees bad, mischievous, manipulative people as snakes... It's the old mentality that's from the garden, Adam and Eve, and so on that's been ingrained in each and every one of us since childhood. In one interpretation, I see myself ridding myself of all the old patterns, habits, and people who have hurt me, stolen My life force, drained me and depleted me, and taken advantage of my kindness. when I take it away, they wither. It is a thin line. I don't want to hurt anyone but I am also done being hurt. So, as we say in cord cutting, I release them all to their own destiny. I see so many instances of purging these intrusive and depleting energies and people in my life in the last year, even distancing myself from family when it feels right to. Too many to name. I, at one point, deeply loved each and every one of these people. Over the years, they took my love, returned Nothing, drained my energy and desire for love, made me hard, shut me down, hurt me, and only came around to keep checking to see if they still had access to me. it feels too good, feeding on someone like me, not to occasionally check in making sure that they still have access to me, anD to keep dragging me along. But I've had enough and I know this is a sign that this is the right path, to preserve and heal myself.
On a much bigger and more intimidating scale, are these lost, hurting, harmful energies attracted to me because they know I'm a source of the light and the good in this world? Am I in danger? How are my boundaries? What protections do I have in place? What protections do I need to set in place? I feel gravely unprepared to do extractions and some of this other work. I do not feel capable or worthy. Why am I okay helping the living crossover with death work, but not the dead? Why do I view them as different? It feels like it's time for me to finish clearing and cleaning out the basement once and for all, stop attracting those that need me to help them heal without fair exchange, stop making myself vulnerable, and get comfortable helping both the living and the dead to move on only after I am certain I have the affinities cleared and the right boundaries in place for myself.
Since having this dream, I have in fact shifted, perhaps without even knowing the reasons why. I have stopped case studies to focus on my own healing First. I am working only with those I fully trust to give and receive in genuine and equal reciprocity. I am putting me and my family first again for the first time in a very long time. I believe at the depths of my soul that this is right. I am trying to find the right balance. I want deeply to love and trust even though I know being open to that also opens me up to have my heart broken and trust betrayed. I have to be vulnerable if I ever want to experience true love. So the boundaries of honoring myself and my intuition while also allowing the right people to get close is going to be hugely important in this work.
I had a healing session with a classmate this past week in which we worked on issues of trust, intimacy, unconditional love, versus physical love. During this session, I saw two separate images of an octopus... The first one was an octopus holding multiple shells up all around itself, hiding, protecting, shielding itself. In the second image, was the octopus laying and caring for her eggs, totally self-sacrificing (The octopus will only mate once, give everything of themself caring for their offspring, and then she dies!). These are the two extremes! I don't want to be so closed off to, well, everything, that I continue denying myself Love, connection, community, joy, and beauty in this life! But, I also don't want to be so self-sacrificing that everyone else around me succeeds to my own detriment.
Trust my intuition.
Remain protected but open.
Faith in actions not in words.
Last night was frigid- a low of -3° from what I could tell and I am in a non-insulated 10x10 ft cabin surrounded by snow and ice! There is no running water, a compost only toilet, one small solar panel for energy- this place is completely off grid! Plus, I had the tiny little heater that can't even keep up with the cold all around it run out of propane at 8:00 p.m. last night! The poor care keepers! Here I am at night having them come out into the freezing cold to fix it! They graciously did so. However, it was a little too far gone with the freezing temps, and I slept underneath eight full blankets just trying to stay warm! Haha! I know that the point of all this isn't to be comfortable… it is to test my limits and see just how much I can actually tolerate. The fast, the cold, the isolation- it is all meant to push me further. But I am anxiously awaiting the sun and the day regardless! I keep hearing animals all around us but so far I've only seen wild turkeys and one really friendly local dog! Oh! But I did see a huge herd of big horned sheep in Glenwood Springs when leaving the hot springs yesterday- maybe 12 of them- so that was really cool.
I have always been a very prophetic and vivid dreamer. Last night the most intense dream came to me. I was in a class like I imagined the Los Lobos retreat to be with the Four Winds Society. I was surrounded by mostly women healers learning to hone their skills. Marcella was there. And so was one of the Q'ero Elders- or at least that's who I imagine him to be... The teacher of our teachers and a very, very wise man, with great vision and skill. I was introduced to him and as a sign of respect I bowed to him and touched him simultaneously on each shoulder. As I did this, there was a massive surge of energy from me to him and a bright white explosion of light that only him and I seemed to be able to see. The master seemed overwhelmed and shocked by this exchange, temporarily keeling over and becoming overtaken by emotions. He immediately excused himself from my presence and the groups. In the hours that followed this, the great master kept himself locked away in his room, having private discussions and meetings with many of the leaders and teachers in our group. I just kept pacing the floor- so so so scared that I had hurt him or done something wrong. No one would speak to me or tell me what was going on. There was hushed talk all around me but I was being avoided at all costs, until finally I stopped one woman to ask, “please, tell me what is going on!” She said he was deliberating with the teachers and the ancient ones, but that they may have many big asks of me in the near future. There had been a sign. Would they make me a master practitioner, would I study under him? I didn't think I wanted or deserved any of that. A while longer passed and the next thing I know, one of the lead teachers has me in advanced level trainings. Testing me on all the "rules and techniques of shamanism " that I had never learned, and quite frankly, didn't see the purpose in. I just kept fumbling around clumsily making a fool of myself! If they had seen something in me, I definitely wasn't proving myself now! This is where the dream ended. I see many important themes and messages within this dream...
Not knowing or embodying my true power.
That my healing wisdom is ancient and strong, but needs remembering and believing in.
A fear from past events that I will hurt people or people will hurt because of me, and being terrified of this!
Being true to myself and following my own intuition with regards to how I heal and what "rules" exist for my practice.
Doing what intuitively feels right for me. I don't need approval from anyone!
It is night one, and it is freezing cold. I should have guessed, but I am surprised at JUST how cold it truly is. The hot springs and the drive over (From Denver to Hotchkiss) were both gorgeous. Clear blue skies, no traffic, soaked for 2 hours in the hot springs with no issues- not tired, no headache, etc. I was concerned I would get a headache before even getting here, concerned about the hot springs and the lack of food and water in my system. At this point, I have been fasting for almost 24 hours. I was honestly scared of going without. So much of my life and emotions and many of my coping mechanisms have been centered around food. I know for a fact that's why I avoided doing this vision quest for so long. But, I am choosing to be gentle on myself and forgiving of old habits, and willing to step forward into a new me that breaks patterns and heals old wounds. I am very committed to myself and the success of the next 3 days. I arrived at the cabin and I was so thrilled with it. It is secluded with beautiful views. I cleansed the space with cleansing spray and Palo Santo, and I called in the four directions to honor the sacred space that I will be creating over the next few days. I then prepared the Ayni Despacho for tomorrow's ceremonial fire. I plan to burn it before the sun goes down and before it gets too cold again... Brrrr! I will keep the directions open through the time I leave here on Sunday, which is also the February new moon! I'm excited to see what insights, knowledge, visions, and growth spirit has in store for me throughout the weekend and beyond!
A mystic is a wild creature.
She is made. She is deliberately forged by something mysterious. She is created for a purpose. She spends all her life seeking, for there is nothing else worth doing. She peers and gazes until she falls from the edge of the world, and into the next. Over and over.
Each time she returns, she is a little different. What she sees must change her. She dies every day. She is reborn in every moment. Can you even begin to fathom the terror and the faith commanded from such a being? Can you even begin to understand what such a life can do?
Don’t date a mystic, if you want the life you have. If you are comfortable and cozy, stay away. Whatever you have built around yourself to create comfort: it cannot stand in the blazing fire of a mystical woman. She is no trophy. She is no bodily pleasure-maker. She is the seer of souls.
She is the womb that births the divine into the flesh and bone of matter.
She doesn’t mean to burn your village to the ground, but she has seen what you are meant to become. You are not a peasant shearing sheep, as you have thought. You are a king dressed in rags who has amnesia.
It is her assumption that you have come to be reborn. If you haven’t, turn back now, while the world you know still exists.
If she touches you, and all the voices on the wind go silent, if you feel you are in a snow globe when you embrace her, she is your destroyer. She will destroy the false idol you see in the mirror. She will smash it open because it is your prison. If you wish to stay there, she will shatter you another way. She will leave.
A mystic may not for long engage with that which is too small for her, unless she is nurturing a seedling into its destiny. But the seed must be capable of fulfilling its own potential.
Everybody wants the magic, but nobody wants the Mystery, the schooling: a thing that must be lived in a place where book knowledge has no meaning, for all books are manuals to the world you already know. That means, the well-honed intellect — the masculine theory of reason — will not save you, cannot free you. It is for a world whose time is over.
The Mystery, by its very nature, must show you what has never been seen, never been written, never been known, because before you were forged, it was impossible. The arts of women have been called the dark arts for too long, and they are the keys to infinity. Infinite form. Infinite being. Infinite life.
The art of far sight.
The art of inner knowing.
The art of sign-reading.
The art of deep feeling.
The art of song and circles.
The art of intuition.
The art of frequency translation.
The healing arts.
The art of kitchen witchery.
The art of communion.
The art of sacred story weaving.
The art of creation and manifestation.
And others too wild to name.
If your dreams are not filled with the Mystery, you are better off with a normal girl, because a mystic will see things that are invisible to you. She will feel things that you cannot feel beneath the layers of numbness you have wrapped yourself in.
She will call upon your true self, your real soul, and she will sing it down into you, into herself, and life will never be the same.
