Full Buck Moon Ceremony

22 years ago, the Great Sand Dunes in the San Luis Valley of Southwestern Colorado broke me wide open during a Backcountry camping mushroom trip that I wrote extensively about in my book, Two Wheeled Deliverance. 22 years ago, on a day I will never forget, I was awakened. 

Lots of life has occurred since then - marriage, motherhood, divorce. Shrinking, hiding, seeking, finding, and immense growth and healing. Love, loss, joy, devastation, and contentment. But now, 22 years later, healed, in love, happy, and sharing openly and confidently the power of plant medicines and sacred circles, I knew I had to return and experience the profound expansiveness of 5-MeO-DMT in the shadow of the stunning Sangre de Christos upon the magical sands of the Dunes. As a Red Moon Witch with Buck and Raven Totems, it seemed fitting that we would be here on the July 10, 2025 Buck Full Moon, a powerful energy that seemed unmatchable. We stayed at Joyful Journey Hot Springs an hour North of the Dunes to rest, rejuvenate, and soak in the healing waters there, something that has always brought peace to my soul.

With my fiancé Chris and God above as my only witnesses, I would journey within to fully understand how I could use this medicine to help others help themselves, and see a vision for my future within medicine spaces more clearly. I had come to a point in my journey where I knew intuitively that there was nothing left to heal. I didn't have to keep drudging up the past, seeking the next thing that needed fixing. I could finally just live my life fully as God intended, and had the tools necessary to deal with hardships as they arise in positive and constructive ways, for myself, for Chris, for my family.

We planned to try out a method of serving 5-MeO-DMT that we were familiar with but that I had never personally tried called the Handshake method - a series of 3-4 gradually increasing doses to help ease people into the medicine space that may need a slower come on, or that needed a more gradual but profound and deep experience to really address the issues in their lives that needed healing. I also wanted to experience the medicine at lower doses so that I could appropriately hold space for others at different depths of the medicine and know how best to help them in that space. I had served Chris in this way the week prior and he had experienced many varying levels of the medicine that helped him to better grasp the teachings of the medicine in a gentler way than the "blast-off" of a full dose he had experienced in times before.

The day unfolded beautifully. We ate a healthy and full breakfast before beginning my fast for the day. In the several weeks prior, I ate a strict dieta to clear my body of toxins and to raise my energetic vibration to be able to better meet the medicine at its high frequency - what I would call God frequency - no grains, sugar, highly processed foods, or caffeine, and limited red meat. We saw several positive signs in the forms of animals - ravens, bucks and does, owls, red-tailed hawks, falcons, coyotes, caterpillars, rabbits, even a Black Witch Moth - the largest insect in North America - many of these animals symbols of rebirth, transformation, and growth. We soaked in the springs several times, explored the surrounding towns and trails, and mentally both prepared and distracted ourselves from the ceremony we were about to undertake. The excitement was palpable and yet so was the anxiety. I had been planning and preparing for this day for months. Now that the day was here, Chris and I both found ourselves trying to avoid spiralling into thoughts of "what-if." We both knew that the whole experience was in God's hands - we come to medicine spaces intentionally with open hearts and open minds trusting it will be EXACTLY what it needs to be, and yet, we ARE still just mere humans, with worries, doubts, insecurities, fears.

At about 6pm, we packed up the ceremony gear and began our hour drive towards the Dunes. Storm clouds and rain lay between us and the dunes, but so did a rainbow, and by the time we arrived we were blessed with the most beautiful skies I could have dreamed of, cooler temps, and a calm peaceful breeze. We had scouted out the dunes the day before and had a general idea of where we wanted to do the ceremony but allowed Spirit to guide us until we found the *perfect* spot.

At this point we laid out our blankets and gear, got the medicine ready to serve, turned on some quiet music, and opened sacred space, calling in the spirits of the Four Directions, our spirit guides, ancestors, and lineage of healers, and thanked the energy of the land and the Native Americans that came before us whose land we were now standing upon. We asked for protection, guidance, and lessons. I asked to see what I needed to see, hear what I needed to hear, and feel what I needed to feel. We were ready. 

I had originally intended to use the medicine under the full moon once the sun had gone down, but as we sat there, ready, the waiting seemed impossible and it was as if the medicine was telling me "Go!". We didn't need to be under the full moon to feel it's energy, and as I would find out, the medicine had something much more magical in mind for me.

I told Chris, "I'm ready." He seemed shocked, then nervous, then thrilled, all in about 3 seconds, at the sudden change in plan. He was ready too.

I sat down on the blanket facing Northwest towards the Dunes and the sinking sun. As Chris sat down to the right of me and prepared to serve me the medicine, I was overcome with the most intense and gut-wrenching anxiety possible. My ego was fighting a battle I couldn't let win. My body didn't want to let me begin to inhale the medicine. I had to stop and force myself to take a deep, calm breath several times. I didn't know what I was scared of but my fear was palpable. I told myself, this is a tiny dose compared to what you've done before and only the first of the evening. You're going to be ok. You are safe. Just let go. Finally I forced myself to accept the medicine and began the long, slow, deep inhale of the 5-MeO-DMT.

As soon as I tasted it, I knew there was no turning back, I had committed to this months ago and I was here in this moment for a purpose. My lungs burned as I drew the medicine deep into them. I wanted to cough, to release it all, but instead coached myself along, "Hold it in, slow down, go easy, it's ok." I held it for what felt like an eternity but was probably only a minute or two, not worried anymore about my breath, knowing that my body would naturally do what it knows to do without effort or attention.

The medicine came on strong and forcefully. In front of me, staring at the dunes, the ripples in the sand, the grasses blowing in the breeze, the few rocks that had found their way into the dune field from the seasonal stream that flows there - all became instantly more alive than the human brain can comprehend. As the medicine took me over, I remember thinking, "Oh, what have I done. This was supposed to be the small dose..." A flash of fear crossed my mind, and, apparently, my face, as I fell deeply into the universe around me. But the fear didn't last long.

Imagine the most vivid and intense greens and blues and browns and yellows and oranges and pinks that you have ever seen in your life and multiply that by a thousand and I'm still not sure that that would describe the immense depth of color I could see in that moment. White clouds almost iridescent, bursting with geometric shapes that were both subtle and extravagant all at once.

Suddenly, the ripples in the sand began to move rapidly, spreading out into everything in front of me all at once. Everything was rippling, flowing together in an elegant dance that had been occurring here since the beginning of time. I realized in that moment that I was witnessing and experiencing every single grain of sand, every single ripple, every single blade of grass, every single cloud, every single raindrop, and every single sunset that had ever occurred here in this spot since the beginning of time all at once, and that somehow they were all occurring simultaneously in this moment, that linear time did not exist and it was all happening RIGHT NOW in front of my eyes.

It was perhaps, the most beautiful, profound, real example of God and Creation that I had ever experienced in my entire life. 

I slumped down into my seat on the sand. At some point, I remember Chris asking if I wanted to finish any of what might be left in the vaporizer, but I was already slipping away at that point, and fast. I managed a "nuh-uh" and, wanting to continue witnessing creation in action but feeling the pull to lay back and sink in, I slowly laid back on to the pillows behind me. The world around me completely and totally dissipated. Suddenly I was within a glowing, glimmering pink hologram with subtle iridescent fractals and someone was shouting at me, "Surrender! Surrender! Surrender!"

I focused on the release of each exhale and let my body relax, still not knowing what Surrender TRULY meant. 

"I don't care if you have to tattoo it on your fucking arm - Surrender!"

I let different parts of my body and energy release one at a time, slowly and cautiously surrendering myself to God (as if I was still the one in control! Ha!)

Then, all at once, in a single exhalation, I just... gave up. For the first time in hundreds of lifetimes of fighting, I just... Surrendered... Fully and completely surrendered.

Why had I held on to fighting with such an iron grasp for so long? This felt good. This felt like home.

I stayed in this place for I don't know how long, searching my body, my energy, for anywhere I was still holding on and gently telling all these parts of myself that it was ok to let go. I sunk deep into a relaxation I don't remember ever experiencing before. Somewhere in here, though I have no recollection of it myself, Chris said that I started to laugh hysterically, seeming to be having an incredible time.

I was - and still am! - at Peace, finally.

As I began to slowly come back, I opened my eyes to find a new world, one that has always been here but that I don't allow myself to experience often enough. The effects of the 5-MeO-DMT were still working on me, the colors more vibrant, ripples working their way through everything, incredible depth I'd never seen before in every cloud. But SLOW and SUBTLE now. My left hand was sunk deep into the sand of the dunes to the left of me, playing in it and feeling it roll over me. (Apparently, this was what I had been doing since laying back and letting go into the medicine, since surrendering, though I did not know it until I was back.)

I stared directly into the sun to my left as I took in the last couple of minutes of rays as they sunk beneath the dune field. I'd never seen a more beautiful sunset in my life. In this moment, I laughed out loud, then cried tears of relief and joy, then laughed some more. "It's so fucking simple," I said out loud. Just surrender!

Why do humans make things so complicated? Why does our ego interfere in the simplicity of life? Why is it so difficult to just remember the truth of WHO and WHAT we really are?

I turned to look at Chris. When I had started to come back to reality, I didn't have to search for him, I didn't have to look to him, to check on him, to see how he was doing. I felt him instantly. I knew he was on my right. I could feel his love, peace, energy. I felt he was proud of me and just taking it all in himself. He let me be free to be completely present for myself in that moment. For that I am forever grateful. Now, I was ready to see him. 

I looked over to see his smile, his awe, the tears of joy welled up in his eyes, his pride. I have never known a love so deep and true. I told him I love you, so simple, but shared in such a way he knew what I meant was, you are my everything and I will find you and love you in every lifetime, in ways and depths at which you can't even imagine. 

He told me "I know. I love you too!" He told me that I didn't have to hurry back, that I could stay in the medicine space as long as I needed and wanted.

I turned back towards the place of the setting sun, still playing with the sand. I thanked the Dunes, I thanked God, I thanked myself. I just kept saying, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you..." I cried tears of immense gratitude that I have never in my life known.

At this point, we hadn't yet spoken about what I experienced and Chris knew there was no rush. But I needed to say it out loud, to make it real, to remember in perfect clarity what I had just experienced.

When I was good and ready, I sat up and looked at Chris. I said, "Surrender has always had a negative connotation to me. It seemed weak and small. I have been a warrior all of my life, and over hundreds of lifetimes. I have been fighting everyone else's battles for them. But here's the thing - People can fight their own battles, they just need someone to believe in them. I don't need to fight the fight for everyone anymore, but I can show them that I believe in them through presence, love and compassion, and help them to fight for themselves, to heal themselves." I laid back down, trying to be sure that I myself heard what I had just said, that I understood it, took it in, and embraced it.

I laid there a bit longer, hands still playing in the sand, taking it all in. "It's a beautiful life," I said out loud. I don't know if I truly believed that before that exact moment saying it out loud, but I do now, with unfailing confidence.

I sunk my left hand down into the sand, sending a shockwave of energy out from where we sat in every direction. I started to speak to the dunes in my head, then thought, "No, this has to be said out loud."

"Thank you," I said, speaking to the Dunes, to God, "22 years ago, you woke me up to a whole new perspective on life, and the infinite possibilities that exist. I've never forgotten that. Now, you've brought me back home, full circle, to my true self when I was finally ready to meet her, when I was finally ready to truly meet God and be in true relationship with him."

At this point, I sat up and looked at the view all around me, taking it in in awe - the textures, the colors, the depth, the magic. I picked up my mesa - A shaman’s mesa is a portable altar (where she goes to meet the spirits) or medicine bundle used for healing, ceremony, prayer and divination. The contents of a mesa vary from shaman to shaman, but generally include healing stones and other artifacts representing elements of their personal healing journey. I have a deep connection to my personal mesa, and had it laying to the left side of my head throughout the entire experience. I walked up the the top of the closest dune in solitude, holding it closely to my chest.

There, standing in the midst of one of the most important places in the world to me, contemplating the magic and wonder and expansiveness of creation and God and all that has, does now, and will ever exist, I reflected on my own journey. How many times had I felt loss, heartbreak, confusion, anger, frustration? How many times had I felt invisible and small? How many times had it all seemed pointless? All the doubt and questioning and wonder. Now, realizing all the unnecessary fighting for control, for status, for a place, for the battles of others. Fighting God Himself and the Universe because my ego believed that I knew better, that I could do it alone, that I was strong enough to weather the storms of life without any help.

I wasn't just surrendering to myself, releasing ego and control, but to my true self - the soul, and to God, to His plan for my life, to His vision for creation and the betterment of all His children.

And through this surrender, I gain more than I could ever lose. I find love, clarity, peace, contentment, beauty, and immense joy. I feel bigger than life and hugely significant. I see the purpose in EVERYTHING. And I understand, finally what He has been asking of me this whole time.

One thing I have mentioned several times now was my favoring of my left side. I'm not entirely sure the significance of this, and I may never. But, my thoughts are this: In many spiritual traditions, the left side of the body is associated with the feminine principle of yin - emotions, intuition, receptivity, and the inner self. It is often seen as the "receiving" side, connected to the heart and nurturing qualities. The right side of the body is associated with masculine energy of yang - action, protection, strength, dominance, and the future. As someone who has always been more comfortable in my masculine, this experience of SURRENDER was asking me to get more comfortable with my feminine, to embrace softness, slowness, trust, and the unconditional love of God. I can only help people from this vantage point.

Now, this part was especially intriguing to me - This dose, about half of a normal 5-MeO-DMT dose we administer in ceremonies, was meant to be "introductory," meaning it is typically considered a light introduction to the effects of the medicine, to ease someone into the medicine space and gauge their sensitivity and tolerance to the medicine. Using this method with ceremony participants, we would expect it to be only slightly hallucinogenic, not completely dissociative, and gentle. And yet, we DO also know that the medicine works in its own way to show us exactly what we need to see in each individual experience based on readiness, intention, set, and setting. Could the months of preparation, the deep and profound personal intentions, and the deeply personal location of this ceremony for me be a direct correlation to the intensity of the experience straight out of the gate? I will never know for sure. 

Did it look like what I expected? Absolutely not. Was my intention met, fully and completely without a doubt in my mind? 100%, yes! This is how I help people, by giving them the tools to heal themselves with no ownership taken towards the outcome, letting God and the Universe guide their journey to wholeness.

A few moments later, Chris and I laid down next to each other, staring up at the sky for quite some time. No need to speak, just be. We closed sacred space and packed up our belongings. There was nothing else, no reason to do more of the medicine in that moment. I was truly AT PEACE. We made our way back to the Hot Springs, talking a little bit but taking the time for processing too.

The next morning, we woke early. As I stared out the window of the Yurt we had stayed in the previous 2 nights in the direction of the Dunes, far off now, past a grouping of teepees on the Hot Springs property, processing the night before, I decided to play a special song that we love called "Morning Prayer" by Robert Turgeon. (If you haven't heard it before, go listen to it now!) It is a gentle song of Native American chanting and soft, simple instrumentations. As the music played and my gaze softened, settling on the teepees, I was transported to another time and place. And it hit me...

...I have ALWAYS been called to this valley, to the dunes, to the veil that is thin and vibrant and magical here. It has always been sacred to me. But I never TRULY knew why until that instant...

...This valley didn't wake me up 22 years ago. No, on that day, it reminded me of something sacred within me that lay slumbering.

This valley woke me up a hundred lifetimes ago, and it keeps calling me back to it in every one since, back to my true self.

Now, I am truly home in my heart and my soul.