I have to admit, this afternoon and evening was a bit of a trainwreck... I was a bit of a trainwreck. Once I ran out of things to busy myself with- journalING, music, classwork- and it was just me alone with my own thoughts and nothing to stuff them down with (food, booze, drugs, etc!), the anxiety and panic set in fast!
Scared of being cold, scared of being hungry, scared to be alone, suddenly stuck, claustrophobic, and 5 hours from home! What if something happened at home? What if something happened to me? I paced the whole cabin. Upstairs, downstairs, outside, inside. I even had to force myself to lay down, to breathe, to practice mindfulness and being present. I had to just lay there coaching myself- breathe. Chelsea, breathe! You can do hard things! Everything's okay! Everyone is okay! Just push through this! This is temporary! Even my mom in my head- this too shall pass! I was about to throw in the towel, tuck my tail, pack my shit, and go crawling home. Then, I heard one of the care takers of the property outside chopping wood for my fire. Panic accelerated! I checked my phone for the first time that day, his wife was checking in- should they start a fire or just prepare it for me? Wow! They didn't have to do any of that! I don’t expect them to do that, nor do I want them to do that! And now, I feel bad. And obligated. And guilty. So, still panic-stricken, still barely breathing, I throw on all the layers I have- it's 15° out there and the sun is setting! Five layers on top, two on bottom, two pairs of socks, three hoods... I race out to help, grabbing my Despacho and dropping it on the floor, probably completely messing it up and releasing all of my wishes to the wind. Ugh. WTF Chelsea?!?
But it gets worse. I try and I try and I try to get the fire started, but everything is wet and frozen. At one point, fearing I won't have another opportunity to do so, I just haphazardly throw the Despacho on top of the burning pile of newspaper. No ceremony, no prayers, no drum, no songs. Just threw it on the fire. It burned, but nothing about the process was graceful or sacred. Only then, does the fire pick up. And the thing was, next to that fire in the freezing fucking cold was truthfully the only place that I had felt safe for the entirety of the afternoon. When I finally calmed down, in the darkness of the night and the flicker of the flames, I looked up to find a sky filled with stars brighter than I had ever seen, and Orion watching safely over me. Sigh. I have enough goodies left. I think I'll retry for another despacho and fire ceremony tomorrow... I'm frustrated with all of this, but I can only offer myself kindness and forgiveness. So I didn't get it right tonight. Oh well! That's life.
I found peace in the quiet moments around that fire. It was like, after the chaos of forgetting myself and fearing my own company, I remembered myself again in the glow of the red orange embers and the sparkle of the stars. My biggest fear wasn't being completely, utterly, totally alone. I don't much mind being alone, but I realized that when I am, I do whatever I can to distract myself from being alone. But when the distractions ran out, i had to face the fear, the abandonment, and the loneliness. And I realize, abandonment, lack of trusting others, fear of being hurt, it has all made me terribly lonely. And that is a terrible way to Live your life.
I want to love others unconditionally!
I want to trust freely!
I want to be vulnerable!
I want to connect with others again!
I want to be free from my loneliness.
And only I can make any of that happen or not happen...
Until tomorrow!
